& just like that the six weeks were over..

I actually cannot believe how quick they went. I don’t want them to go back to school, i feel like they haven’t been off long enough. Don’t get me wrong, not all days have been great but they haven’t been god awful either.

Maybe it helped because we had two weeks in Spain so it kind of broke them up a bit? I must admit though, the kids have had enough of each other now. They’re used to their routine and having their days apart.

Kellan is so excited about going back into year two, i can’t quite believe he is in year 2 already. It only feels like yesterday i wrote my blog about him starting in reception. I’ve laid his uniform out, his PE bag and school bag are by the door and his lunchbox is packed. I wish i had his excitement, but i don’t. I feel sad, anxious and feel like i’ve lost him that little bit more as he has grown up. That’s what scares me, I feel like he is slipping through my fingers. Dramatic too much? or do people feel like that aswell?

Then, to top it off, Grayson starts reception on Friday. Both of them at full time school. I don’t think my heart will cope. My little dudes both at school.

It was cute, they both chose their own shoes at Clarkes, Kellan’s i’m not to keen on but I had to let it go, he is old enough and entitled to choose his own shoes, but AGAIN, it’s another sign that he is growing up.

*sigh*

anyway, good luck to your new starters/returnees this week. We can get through it xx

Turning 30.

Hey everyone!

First question, how have you found the six weeks holidays? not going to lie, i’ve had days where i have struggled to entertain the little monkeys but i am so sad that they’re going back to school, and also that my youngest baby is starting big school on Friday.

What have you been upto? let me know!

 

Okay, so on Friday i turned the big, dirty thirty. Not going to lie, i wasn’t looking forward to it at all. The thought of turning thirty was so daunting. I am the last out of most of my friends to turn thirty so that made me feel a bit better.

Anyway, i woke Friday and felt okay, i could do this. It’s only a number right? i big bloody number at that, but just a number. Dan had arranged a surprise family day out which i asked for so i was really looking forward to that. The kids wanted me to open my presents that i had sent Dan out to let them choose anything they wanted, and to be honest as much as Dan was a bit reluctant he really enjoyed it and the kids did really well with their present choices!

So yea, we went for our family day out which was lovely. We went to Maldon Promenade Park, it was a fun day!

Then yesterday (31.08) it was also our first wedding anniversary, i can’t get over how quick that has gone either. But, another surprise was arranged. He arranged for us to go to Mad Hatters Tea Room, Southend (i didn’t have a clue until i walked through the door and our friends and family were there shouting surprise) i was so overwhelmed that i cried. Full on cried.

Now, I woke very emotional yesterday. I’m not sure if it was the realisation of being thirty, the thought that it was over or the pregnancy hormones. But i sobbed quite alot that day, and over the silliest things tbh. My youngest brother told me he was coming over in the morning, well he got caught up and was on birthday surprise #2 mission balloons that he didn’t come over. So i cried in my shower. Like a brat, because he didn’t come to see me. It didn’t help that my mum and dad were in Spain and for some reason, i was so adamant that they were going to surprise me by flying home early to see me. I was just a bit all over the place to be honest.

So yea, apart from some meltdowns throughout the day of me being 30 and 1 day, i wanted to know how you all reacted to turning thirty? did you get emotional? or did you just sail through it like a breeze.

Let me know, i would love to hear if it was just me that was a wet flannel.

Hope you are all okay xx

 

 

 

 

Psycho Mother

do you know what I am sick of? I am sick of having to turn into that psycho mother who has to literally lose her shit before my kids will listen to me. Every morning without fail i have to call my kids up the stairs about five times, which ends in me literally screaming at the top of my lungs before they actually do it.

I see these mums literally breezing it through motherhood and I sit there and think – what the fuck?

I know they probably lose it behind closed doors but I sometimes can’t see it. If anyone can shed some light how to be more Mary Poppings like then please let me know.

I try talking quietly, i try talking firmly, i try whispering, i try shouting and it still doesn’t work. I stress myself out to the point my stomach hurts, like so bad. I need to take a good breather otherwise i think i would reach for the wine.

The boys are now at an age where they constantly wind each other up, more so Grayson to Kellan believe it or not. Grayson is three. He winds his brother up something chronic. It is actually ridiculous. Is this just boys? can i expect this until early adulthood? Because, being honest, i don’t know how i will cope. They are each others throats so much.

It started October half term, which i thought they would be fine once they were back at school/nursery but nope. I just don’t get why it has started.

I don’t know if I am ready for this next step in parenting. There was me thinking i wanted a third baby, you know what? I don’t. I don’t think i would mentally or emotionally cope with another..

 

If you have children that bicker and wind each other up please send me some tips because i feel like i am going to lose the will. This is a battle i don’t think i will win. This is a parenting fail as i don’t know how to deal with it!

Finding Balance.

Hey!

I feel shattered tonight. I haven’t long sat down since 8am this morning. I am back to work at the moment five days a week 9-2:15, not going to lie, it is a bit of a shock to the system.

Trying to get the boys and me in a routine with school, work and housework. I have found if i try and tidy as much as i can in the morning then throw a wash on as i leave, by the time i get home i throw the wash in the dryer, hoover, polish and clean bathrooms. I need to mop floors but at the moment it’s pointless because the weather is so dyer.

I then do their dinner, get them ready for bed and now i’m cooking mine and dan’s dinner. I’m sure i will get there but i haven’t worked full time since Kellan was born. It is only till Feb at the moment, going to see how the hours work for me and my bosses.

I am super organised with christmas though, all my shopping is done !! how are you all getting on?

Got that bastard elf back as of Saturday, wish i never started the bloody thing. We are out for a santa day on Saturday so i blog about it all as it seems like it is going to be a great day!

I thought the kids would be on wind down mode seeing as its twenty-to seven but nope. They are jumping and dancing around and as always not listening to me.. it’s exhausting. I don’t know if it’s having two boys or what but I am finding this stage really hard atm. I think they are so overtired and stimulated from school that they go into meltdown mode by this time. I am waiting for Dan to get home and he can do bedtime tonight, hopefully he has wine..

If anyone has any tips on balance with a five day a week job, kids and housework hit me up because i would love some tips!!

In other news, i am going to write a book in the new year which will include some of my blogs and views etc. on how i feel about parenting. If anyone has any input or would like some of their tips featured the comment below, message me on instagram (justamummy_x) or over on my Facebook again (facebook.com/justamummy15)

Not an overly exciting blog, so sorry about that.

Please also don’t forget that I am in the running for the UK Blog Awards. I am under Parent and Baby, page 4 – Just a Mummy.

One vote per person, all you have to do is click the HEART next to my name. It closes on 24th December! Link is on my previous posts, if you can’t find it then comment and i will paste it. Thanks dolls ❤

How depressing that this time next month Christmas will be over.. i am such a miserable bitch.. must be the weather !!!!

Caesarean over natural?

well hello, it’s been a while.

I’ll be honest we have been super busy. What with the six weeks holiday, our month in Spain, writing a book oh, and getting married.

We are finally settling back into our routine and the swing of everything. K has just started year one, and G is in he’s second year of nursery.


 

Now, blog topic. This topic comes up quite a lot.

I don’t understand how people think a c-section is an easy way out, or, if they had a choice of section and natural a section would win all day long.

These people have never had sections. Now, i am eternally grateful that my two boys were bought into the world safely, and yes, by caesarean. K was an emergency after 39.5 hours of labour, G was planned as per my consultant.

These are some of the things I get told why a section is better than natural:

  1. your vagina stays the same

in my case, false. My vagina definitely isn’t the same. I laboured with K for hours, they tried every method to get that chunk out which also resulted in being cut and stitched down below. double whammy. 

2. you don’t piss yourself while jumping on a trampoline

that is true, in my case. I may dribble sometimes when i laugh, but i don’t piss myself. 

3. you can poo after c-section without any issues

nope. both times i had to take lactulose because I couldn’t poo, it’s not just vaginal births that have this. 

4. at least you can rest while everyone runs around for you

Oh yea, it’s fantastic being laid up for a few days/weeks because you have had major surgery which entails them cutting through layers of skin while they try not to cut your bladder/bowl or catch your baby. 

 

you get the jist right? yes, in someway it might seem the ‘easy way out’ but i would have loved to have had a natural birth but i didn’t, it is what it is. Just I was having a conversation on holiday about Natural VS. Section and it just angers me on people’s perspectives. I haven’t been through natural, they haven’t been through sections, we can only have our opinions.

 

Anyway.. I hope you are all ok.

I promise it won’t be so long next time

 

A x

 

Oh What A Day..

Today has just been a snowball of events -excuse the pun, since we’ve had snow non stop today-

It started today when the Snow started and the kids didn’t get a snow day – bummer. I then ran home so me and Grayson could have our breakfast. I had my usual granola, G had his jam on toast. I had a doctors appointment at 09:50 so we were back out the door again before we knew it.

Just as we got in the car, it started snowing really heavy which made me late for the doctors. They were fine about it, everyone was stuck or running late. Grayson was being typical Grayson running around the waiting room, being noisy etc etc, then the nurse called me in. Grayson went walking into her room telling her that it was snowing. Now this was only for my three month pill check. I sat down and she had asked me if I was having any problems on the pill, if I was feeling ok and so on. While trying to keep Grayson occupied and talk to her, I was getting myself a little bit worked up. She then proceeded to take my blood pressure, fine, not a problem. Then she said “Ok, now I need you to step on the scales” for once, I was feeling smug – really smug as I have been dieting and trying to watch what I eat. On I step, cocky as you like. As I stepped on I said “they should show a loss, I’ve been dieting” she then looked at the scales and looked at me and said “oh, you’ve put on 1 kg” I think my face said it all. I was like what the actual fuck. So not only as that made me feel really shit about myself, she then proceeded to tell me that now my BMI is 30.8 and if it goes any higher I will have to go on the mini pill, not the combined as I am now classed as overweight. I’m a size 12-14, a little bit flabby in places yea, but I wouldn’t say I was over weight!? So yea, that was a bit of a blow. She then saw how disheartened I was and mentioned I was probably carrying a bit of water retention because of my monthlies. Thank you love, that’s made me feel better – NOT.

I came home, I was pissed off. My friend then called me and asked if I wanted to meet her and walk the dog. Wonderful, it had stopped snowing, G was knackered so he would of crashed in the pram and it gets the dog out for half hour. Go to the car, get the pram, put Grayson in all wrapped up and snuggly (I was so jealous). I then went to get the dog ready, put his harness on while he was jumping around like a lunatic, went to the cupboard to get a lead – no lead. Where the bloody hell was that!? I searched everywhere, I was shouting around the house to whoever was listening, I had pulled all the house out, I had trodden snow all through my clean floors because my Hunter Wellies are such a pain to get on and off. I then started angry texting Dan, poor sod is at work and I am going off at him because he was the last person to use the lead. By this point I am fuming, I am sweating and all the time G is sitting in his pram, outside the front door with his rain cover over him wondering what the fuck was going on!!!

After 15 minutes and failing to find the poxy lead, I decided to go for a belt. One of Dan’s belts. Finally, we are good to go. The snow is now coming down really bad again, Grayson is shielded from it all but still whinging, dog is loving it and then my phone rings. It was my friend. I was thinking she’s obviously wondering what is taking me so long. Nope, she was calling to say that she was heading home as the snow was getting really bad and her little girl was cold and wanted to go home. So around we turned, dog was now fuming, Grayson didn’t give a damn about what was going on and I was stressing about how long it was going to take to get my boots off!!

Ok fine, I put Grayson a bed because he was tired and tbh, I needed a coffee or something. I was debating doing a couple shots of Vodka, but it was only 12pm. I was a hungry by this point, and the mood I was in I wanted to demolish everything bad in the house, but I didn’t, I decided to cook an omelette. I can cook, quite well actually but one thing I don’t seem to get the hang of is omelette. So I beated some eggs (good for the bingo wings!) and went from there. Disaster. Oh my god, the state of it. It was an embarrassment. Threw the poxy thing straight in the bin and settled for boiled eggs on toast, I can manage that (still need to use an egg timer though)

Anyway, we made it, the kids are asleep. They had a lovely little bath and we used my Little Aurelia products (amazing btw! helps with sleep). They had a play in the snow and made some snowballs. I texted Dan on the way home and asked for emergency wine. I haven’t been drinking seeing as I’m trying to diet, but tonight I thought sod it. I need a glass. It’s going down too well though!

Tomorrow we have dentist with Kellan, two fillings. Poor kid obviously takes after his mama with his teeth. They don’t have juice, hardly have sweets yet the kid has two holes in his tooth. It’s going to be an emotional, stressful day.

I am now going to snuggle up on this cold evening and pray there is some more snow heading our way. Then I’m going to finish my wine while watching Grace and Frankie on Netflix – If you haven’t watched it then do, it’s hilarious.

 

Realisation

I have been staring at this blank page for days, not having a clue what to write about. My mind is blank, I can’t think of anything to write.

After sitting here, racking my brain, I decided to do what I do best.

Just write.

Write about what comes into my mind: let’s see what happens.



 

As you all know, I have two boys. Perfect, loving, sometimes grumpy boys. They are my everything. I love them in ways I didn’t even know was possible. Now, I’m not going to lie, I was 99% sure that Grayson was a girl. I was team yellow with both of mine, loved the surprise. I was not ready for the surprise of being told that Grayson was a boy after he was born, another little boy.

After a few days (maybe weeks..) it hit me, that I would never have a little girl. The mums best friend, mother of the bride, getting them ready for prom, disney films, mum and daughter days. It hit me hard. We always said two children (even though recently we have discussed a third – still weighing up pros and cons, and at the moment I have more cons then pros!)

So with that thought in mind, I started thinking that one day they won’t need their mum anymore. They need me now, they need me to kiss their booboo’s, they need me to wipe away their tears, they need me to tuck them in at night, they need me to dress them, feed them, look after them and to tell them how proud I am of them and how loved they are, forever and always, to infinity and beyond and of course, to the moon and back. I take care of them now, they need me. No one else.

I teach them to be compassionate, loving, friendly and courteous. I teach them to run with their imagination, follow their dreams and never give up. I cherish their cuddles and kisses and little snuggles of a morning, because one day, their girlfriend will replace me in my role. The kisses will stop, so will the cuddles and the excitement to tell me what has happened in my day. Instead of telling me, they will be telling their girlfriend.

Again, that’s when it hit me. My partner see’s his mum once a week, I don’t want to become that mum sitting there looking out the window or waiting by the phone so I can hear their voices when they have a spare minute in their busy schedule.

The following quote goes through my head, every. single. day.

“A son is a son ’til he gets a wife, but a daughter is a daughter all her life. ”

I sit there and wonder if they would treat their girlfriends with the love and respect they give me? Will their girlfriends love them as much as I do?

I don’t want to be the mum who see’s their son once a week, or once every two weeks. I want them to come home, to be able to bring their girlfriends home and feel comfortable with me. I want them to still be able to give me a kiss on my cheek and call me with their news, I’m scared to lose them to their future partners, because lets face it, it will happen.

I don’t want to be a monster in law, even though I probably will be – no one will ever be good enough for my sons, will they? It will be a bitter sweet moment, one I think about a hell of a lot.

It broke my heart when my eldest started school, even then I could feel him slipping through my fingers. The reality is, one day, I am going to have to let go. It’s life.

Until then, I will love them boys fiercely and teach them as well as I can to be the best they can and enjoy every single mummy moment. The sloppy kisses, the warm snuggles and the sneaking into our bed of an evening.

& even though we never had a girl, we still get to watch disney films, I will be mother of the groom, I will get my son’s ready for prom, have our mum and son days, and I will always be their best friends (whether they want me to be or not) it’s just the expectation and society that makes you feel like you can only do these things with daughters. When in reality, we can do all of that and more.

Amazing How A Woman Should Treat Her Man Quotes treat women quotes quotesgram

I would like to hear your comments on how you feel about this? do you have only boys? how did you find letting go?

 

Breastfeeding: Expectation VS Reality

I’m just waiting for my jacket potato to cook, house is cleaned, both kids are at school. In the moment of silence I have decided to write about something that is always a hot topic in the parenting world. Breastfeeding.

Before I fell pregnant, I was 100% certain that I was going to breastfeed my child. Why wouldn’t I? After all, breast is best was a phrase I always heard.

In my antenatal classes running up to giving birth to Kellan, we attended a breast feeding class. While pregnant. With no baby. The lady was going through all these pro’s of breast feeding like how it benefits the baby, you’ll lose your baby weight and also, having sex and not falling pregnant. This was definitely looking like the right path for me. No sterilising bottles, no having to walk downstairs at 3am in the morning to make up a bottle, no colic, no wind, no reflux. Why wouldn’t anyone want to breastfeed. The snuggling in bed while they are latched on, the ever lasting bond between you and baby while you carry out the most natural thing in the world.

Fast forward to Kellan being born, not only am I now feeling like a failure because I couldn’t give birth to him as my body wouldn’t dilate past 5cm’s and even on the drip I struggled, I was then faced with our first breast feeding experience. I held my chunky 9lb baby up to me, and done everything the midwifes had showed me. Dan was sitting by my side anxiously watching me. I always remember him saying “don’t stress about it, just try, if we don’t breastfeed him there is always formula” – but in my head I’m thinking, No, I am going to breastfeed this child as that’s what he needs, it’s the best start in life for him.

After him trying to latch on and us failing miserably, I called the midwifes in. There I am, post c-section, a screaming child head butting me to find my boob and a midwifes cold hands clasped around my boob, squeezing it into the baby’s mouth. What didn’t help is that I have inverted nipples, I don’t have big boobs, they’re manageable I thought.

After what felt like hours, trying to get him to latch, he would latch for a few minutes, come off my boob and scream the house down. I still wasn’t going to give up.

Three days later, a baby that wasn’t happy, a new mummy who was exhausted and feeling like I was failing, I called the midwifes over. I wanted to go home, I wanted my baby to breastfeed, I wanted this bond that I had heard so much about. She told me that I couldn’t leave until I could competently feed my baby via breast. If I wasn’t going to, then I needed to be shown to be feeding him a bottle so they could see that I could feed him.

What a blow.

I wasn’t being lazy, I wasn’t not attempting to give the baby the best start in life, I was failing. I was failing once again at something that should come so naturally.

I just physically couldn’t do it, I had to feed my baby, so I gave in and gave him his bottle.

What gets to me, is when I see people thinking that people who don’t breast feed are lazy. Most of us don’t choose to not breast feed, there are a few of us, but it’s our decision as humans, but most of us can’t. Some of us don’t produce enough milk, but we manage to feed our babies by bottles – we all have one job, to look after and feed our babies in any way we can.

Stop judging and stereotyping breastfeeding/non-breastfeeding mums. We are all doing the best we can. We need to support each other.

Are we good mums?

How many of you actually feel like you are a good mum? Does anyone tell you that you are a good mum?

Honestly, I think my partner has told me maybe five times in total that I’m a good mum, and that’s normally because I’ve got upset over the kids or something thats happened. I don’t think he has ever said it off his own back. (sorry if I’m wrong Dan!!)

Just tonight, we’ve had a bit of a parenting disagreement as we all do at some point in this rollercoaster ride that they call kids. We can’t always agree, and I think that has to do with me and him being bought up so differently.

Something he said to me was “you moan to me when you’ve had a bad day, that’s why I step in” – it’s true, I do moan to him, because his my partner. But that doesn’t mean that I always agree with what is said, same as he doesn’t always agree with what I say.

I do have days I feel like a complete failure, I feel like I let my kids down, I feel like I’m sometimes too hard on them for the wrong things, then too soft when maybe I needed to be a bit harder? I don’t ever see myself as a “good mum”.

I shared something on my Instagram: justamummy__x (just incase you want to follow my everyday life with my two boys) which has made me want to write this. We choose to put our children before any needs that we may need, I sometimes have days where I don’t eat because I’m seeing to them, I want to make them happy over myself and make sure I can be the best I can be, somedays are harder then ever. I know I make mistakes, I’m human. I’ve been a mum for nearly 5 years, but I still don’t know if I am doing it right. I am still learning. No one prepares you for this, you get all the antenatal classes and what to expect while you are pregnant, how to breastfeed etc, etc.

No one tells you this part, the days where you don’t know how much more you can give, how much longer you can go on the broken sleep and the days where you don’t know if you’ve done enough – but we all need to be reminded sometimes, that we can carry on, we can get through these hard days. Every mum feels like they have failed (at least once a week) but we are all still learning. Please remember that.

Us mums need to be easy on ourselves, we are all doing a fantastic job, to our children we are perfect. They always look up to their mama’s.

so, I wrote this little message to myself:

I just like to sometimes remind myself that I’m doing ok and I’m not a total failure as a mum.

Because let’s be honest, it only takes one thing to make you think you’ve mucked it up, but I’m a good mum – how do I know?

My kids show me 

& one more thing,

YOU ARE A GOOD MUM.

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New Year New Me.. or something like that..

Hello!!

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. I hope Santa bought you everything you wished for. We all had a wonderful break, apart from spending most of my Boxing Day on the Loo because of a bad IBS flare up, I still had a wonderful day. It’s all gone a bit too quick for my liking, I get a bit sad once Christmas is over. All the hype, the organising and preparing and the food, don’t forget the food. My tree is coming down tonight, makes me sad keep looking at it.

Now, I normally make the same old resolutions: lose weight, go to the gym, eat healthy blah blah blah. I normally kerb them about three/four weeks into January. I like my food too much.

This year, I am starting something new, something fresh – these are my resolutions:

  • Lose weight (yes, this one is here, again! but I do have a rather beautiful wedding gown that I need to fit my fat arse into in August, so yes, I do need to lose some weight)
  • Be more positive. (I am a very negative person, I outweigh the negatives to the positives and I am also very pessimistic)
  • Don’t sweat over the little things (like losing my shit because my children won’t put their shoes on after the 100th time of asking)
  • Try to relax and be more calming (I’m a anxious, sweaty mess 99.5% of the time)
  • Let my children be children (now, this might to some of you, seem like a silly resolution, but to me its not. Like I have said above ^^ I sweat and stress over the little things, I get anxious because their toys are everywhere, they’re loud, they’re destructive, but most importantly, they’re kids, and occasionally, I forget that. I’m just getting real here, my anxiety plays me up, it makes me a mess. I wouldn’t say I’m depressed, no. But I do struggle with some things on a daily basis. I don’t want to look back in years to come and feel like my children missed out because of how I am. So yea, this is a BIG one for me. My OCD needs to back the fuck down and let me enjoy every moment of this joyous ride that is children)

 

Anyway, me and Dan are staying home on NYE’s because, lets be honest, taking your kids out and keeping them up at Midnight, or letting them flake and fall asleep anywhere for your own selfish doing is not fair. Yes, I did let them stay up for Christmas day as we were at families, but that’s different.

I don’t overly enjoy NYE, not because I have had a bad year, I just think it is an overpriced evening to go out and get drunk, when lets be honest, I can do that from the comfort of my own home, with my wonderful Daniel and watch the London fireworks on TV. #winning

We have made plans with some of our parent friends to go for a “brisk”, and I mean “brisk” walk, then head to the pub for a few drinks while the kids play just to wish everyone a Happy New Year, then we will go home, order a takeaway, get our Jim Jams on, pop a bottle and see the New Year in with a bang (tut, all you dirty minded people)

I hope you all have a wonderful New Year, and I hope 2018 brings health and happiness to you and your families.

Lots of Love X