Half Term Feels..

Can’t believe my little monkeys are back at school next week – once again half term has gone too quick.

They have drove me mad, as they do, but I do love having them home and not having to do the horrid school run!

One of my lovely friends gave birth yesterday to baby number two, it made me flash back to when Grayson joined our family. I remember not knowing how to feel, i felt guilt, emotion, love and I was overwhelmed. Kellan had stayed with my mum and dad the night before, I was up at 5:30 and at the hospital for 7:30am ready to wait for my time to go down for my second section. I was told at 8am that we were going down at 9am.

My mum and dad had jumped on a bus to go into chelmsford town to wait for the news whether we had another boy or a little girl, they were then going to buy some clothes with Kellan.  After being sick most of the morning, early afternoon after having Grayson my mum and dad arrived at 1pm with Kellan. Not going to lie, I was so nervous. Kellan knew there was a baby in my tummy, but didn’t quite understand. He was only 20 months.

I sat in bed, with Grayson in my arms, i debated leaving him in his little bedside crib but thought it was a better option to be holding him. Kellan came in with mum and dad and instantly pulled away from me, he wasn’t interested in me and definitely wasn’t interested in his new baby brother. I felt my heart break inside, i just wanted to scoop Kellan up and hold him tight. My dad took Grayson while mum still held onto Kellan, he then off of his own back went in for a kiss, it was the most quickest little kiss ever. After about half hour mum and dad took him home while i spent quiet time with Grayson. We had to stay in hospital for a night because of the section.

When I was allowed home, I was so excited as i had missed Kellan so much. I thought when I got home he would of came up and cuddled me, no, how wrong was I.

It honestly took about a week for him to come over to me, he just ignored Grayson completely, that lasted for about 3-4 days. I remember it being such a hard time for us all, adjusting from a family of three to four, and not forgetting how young Kellan still was.

Now looking at them, they are the best of friends. Still fight for mummy’s attention, but understand that they have to share mummy.

That all feels like such a long time ago, it just fly’s. Really do enjoy every minute.

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Hope you are all ok, Love A xx

Sunday Feels..

Good Evening My Lovelies,

How did your little cherubs cope with clocks going forward? Our two were up at 6:30 (5:30 in pre-going forward time) which was nice… Not. Not going to lie, think we both thought they may of slept a bit better seeing as they were on the go yesterday from the moment they woke up till the time they went to bed.

So, myself and Dan have now got healthcare insurance with Vitality, we were umming and ahhing for a bit about it, but like anything, the salesman sold it to us. Now, as a bonus for getting off my arse and exercising, I earn reward points for me, Kellan and Grayson (Dan is on his own for some reason), anyway so I do around 8,000-11,000 steps a day anyway so it’s nice that I now get rewards for it! One of the rewards are free cinema tickets, so on Saturday I used our reward codes and bought three tickets, and one for Dan. The sweets we bought for the cinema cost us more than the cinema trip. Mental, but so worth it. We took the boys to see Peter Rabbit, Kellan is really into it at the moment. Now, Kellan has been to the cinema before, Grayson hasn’t – wasn’t quite sure what to expect with G If i’m being honest. We sat in our seats, and the adverts had started rolling. Dan went to get the treats when all of a sudden Grayson started sobbing and telling me he wanted to go home. After calming him down and snuggling with him he was ok, still not sure, but ok. I think it was the loudness that upset him.

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Apart from that, it was a good trip. The film was really good as well, I will be honest, there were a couple of scenes that I thought were a bit much for a kids film, but then again, it’s life, unfortunately, it happens. Me and Dan did give each other the look a few times, especially when they mentioned rabbit pie.

From there the kids were dropped off to our friends who had offered to look after them (life savers, really don’t know what I would do without them) while we went out for my mum’s birthday. She wanted to do something different so we went to a place called Clue HQ in Brentwood for an escape room. To be honest I was a little dubious about it, not quite sure what to expect but it was a lot of fun and a good laugh. Lots of clues and problem solving, we struggled at times but got there in the end. We had 2 minutes remaining when we finally got out! If you can go, then do, it’s great team building and also just a great few hours out, it really was fun. I don’t want to say too much and spoil it!! After escaping and having a quick photo, we then went Zizzi’s for dinner.

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Today we had a well needed chill day, kids have played, had their tablets, watched films. Dan has been working most of the day, I sorted the toy room and worked through the washing. I was meant to be going for afternoon tea with my neice but I haven’t been very well and was worried about sitting on a train for two hours, really gutted about that as it is a fab afternoon tea, it was beauty and the beast themed at Kensington Hotel (will have to make it up to her)

Kids were very hyped before bed so decided to give them a nice calm bath with some added Lavender Oil from Little Aureila (if your kids have sensitive skin or trouble sleeping, go over and have a look, their stuff is amazing. & no, this is not an ad, just supporting a small business), just as I was about to get them out the bath, Grayson stood up and quite cheerily declared he had pooed in the bath. Kellan’s face was a picture, I have never seen that boy jump out of the bath as quick as he did tonight. Honestly. Shit sorted, bath disinfected and Daddy Dan on PJ duty we were good to go. I didn’t think they were going to give in and settle as they were giggling and talking about the poo (as they do) but they are snoring away and have been since 7:30. Bonus.

I hope you are all ok, and are enjoying the last of the weekend. I’m now on countdown mode, four more days and the kids break up for two weeks. Woohoo.

 

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2190 Days Ago..

Typical Sunday in out house, chilling, kids running riot. Our house is freezing, even thought it’s a new build, there is always drafts coming from somewhere – joys of buying David Wilson I suppose.

The boys were playing hide and seek and running around giggling with each other, it really is the best sound. While I was sitting there I got thinking about how different our lives would have been if our first pregnancy lasted. Would me and Dan have still been together? Would we be where we are now? The reason this thought has come into my head today, is because six years ago today I was sitting in the Gynaecologist department waiting for my treatment to remove our baby that we lost at 12 weeks. I remember sitting there thinking ‘what if they have got it wrong?’ ‘what if our baby now had a heartbeat’ ‘are they going to re-scan me?’. I was sitting there among other pregnant woman, woman that had lost a lot later on than me, woman who had decided that their pregnancy wasn’t right for them at the minute, it really was a horrible atmosphere, grief, nerves and the unknown all rolled into one.

It was hard when all the nurses were laughing and joking about what they had been up to and what had been happening in their lives, but to us mums sitting there waiting to see what was happening, we just wanted quiet, quiet to come to terms with what was about to happen.  There was two girls in there, only young and they were both in beds behind the reception desk, I still remember it like it was yesterday. One of the girls said “oh fancy seeing you here again” as if it was a jolly place to meet. Dan heard it as well and squeezed my hand. We didn’t plan for the baby, we wasn’t ready for this baby but it had happened to us for a reason, and we were really excited.

We had our scan confirming that indeed, there was no heartbeat and the baby had shrunk in size from 12 weeks, to 9. The procedure wasn’t nice, after a couple of hours I was sent home with a bag of painkillers, then to let nature take it’s course, we had to make sure we knew when we had passed it, but I couldn’t look. So my mum came to the toilet with me and checked every time, and when it did happen she gave me the nod and a kiss. It’s hard to think that six years has passed so quickly, that now we have two beautiful boys, but we always do wonder who our first baby would of been. I still remember the names we chose, Ollie James if he was a boy, Isabella Rose if she was a girl, yet when we did have our babies, neither of them names were an option.

After we got the all clear after 8 weeks and 2 procedures later, we were told it was a green light to try again. It’s like I was trying to replace what we had lost, but we wasn’t falling. Dan sat me down and told me it wasn’t going to happen because of the pressure I was putting on my self. To be honest, I was pining for our baby. We decided to put baby making on hold, and to try and just enjoy us time. By November, we was pregnant with Kellan, he just happened. Whoever was watching us decided that it was the right time for me to fall, and I was an anxious mess right through to the day he was born.

We didn’t know we had lost our first baby until our 12 week scan, no warning, no signs, nothing.

Kellan and Grayson will never replace what we lost, but made us appreciate life’s choices for us. Our first baby wasn’t ready yet, neither were we, but one thing for sure is, they made us know what we really wanted.

2190 days ago, yet it doesn’t seem that long. Always in our hearts little one.

IDGAF

I’m having a I Don’t Give A Fuck Day today.

I’ve had a stressful morning, Grayson woke at 5:30, why he decides this is an acceptable wake up time at the moment, it’s doing my head in. It’s not even the fact his waking me up as Dan’s alarm goes off about 35 times before 5:30 anyway so I’m up, it’s just how miserable he is by 9am!!

Kellan stayed at my mums last night out of the blue, she was going to drop him home but he decided to get in his bed round there and go to sleep, and he slept all night. Not getting out of bed once to venture into their bed, like he does with us, every. single. night.

So I had to get Grayson dressed at 6:30 to be out the door and on my way to my mums for 7. She lives about 20 minutes away, so not too bad but I didn’t know what the traffic was like.

Got to my mums, got Kellan dressed and was out the door at 8:10, then I hit traffic. I was so stressed out, but you know what, it’s fine, they both got to school on time. I was a mess and sweating, but they were in.

Then off to the car garage to swap cars over as mine is being fixed, again! Then to pick my prescription up that I’ve been waiting for since Friday – but anyway, its a beautiful day outside, and to be honest, that always makes everyone feel better.

I come home and started doing my housework, then I just thought – fuck it.

I am going to do what I want to do today (that would be a spa day and a liquid lunch, but let’s face it, I couldn’t do that!) so I decided to blog, then I’m going to take the dog out then when I come home, I am going to chill. Watch what I want on TV, not worry about the house that my two will destroy as soon as they get in, I’m just going to take some ME time. Lets face it, we all need me time. Being a mum is exhausting, testing, amazing, hard and rewarding at the same time, but you don’t realise how hard it actually is until your doing it!

So yes, I am going to be selfish and not give a fuck about my house, just enjoy this moment, because I do feel guilty when I don’t do the house, the washing, the errands seeing as I’m a stay at home mum and that’s my “job”, but I deserve a little break too.

I know some people think Stay at Home mums do nothing all day, but honestly, you couldn’t be more wrong. I done over 10,000 steps on Monday, I done the school run, done my food shop then come home to clean. From the moment the kids get in a hardly sit down as there is so much to start doing again. I’m not starting a debate on working mums/SAHM so please don’t think I am. I am just talking about how I feel as a stay at home mum. Some days I just need a day off, a little breather, nothing wrong with that.

 

Anxiety has hit me hard today..

Hey !

Sorry for lack of blogs, but what with flu, snow days and now getting back into my school routine, I haven’t had much time. Hope you wonderful lot are all ok :).

We had book day today at school, for some reason our school had a different date to the rest, Kellan went as Captain America and Grayson went as Iron Man. They looked super cute and had a fun day.

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I’m very anxious, I have been all day. My first born, my baby boy, is going on his first school trip tomorrow. I’ve just packed his little rucksack and gone through his checklist. His gone to bed so excited, me on the other hand, well quite frankly, I’m a mess.

The thought of dropping him off tomorrow and then letting him go on a coach to his little day out is terrifying me. Remember my blog about letting go? well this is another moment where he is slipping that little bit further out of my fingers. Oh my god seriously I think I’m going to cry.

I know he is going to have fun, his going to be with all his friends and he is so excited. I’ve just got to try, try and remember that everything will be ok. I wish I volunteered now, maybe I will do that for the next trip.

Not going to lie, I have actually thought about following them up there in my car and watching from a distance.

Please tell me it gets easier? I don’t want to be like this every time he leaves to go on a trip. Maybe it will get easier as he gets older, but I’m struggling with it at the moment, maybe because he is my first. I’ve never had to do this before, it’s all new to me.

Dan is upstairs reading them the Gruffalo Child, I’ve just cooked our dinner so now I am going to try and chill this evening, it will all be Ok.

 

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any comments are welcome xx

 

Oh What A Day..

Today has just been a snowball of events -excuse the pun, since we’ve had snow non stop today-

It started today when the Snow started and the kids didn’t get a snow day – bummer. I then ran home so me and Grayson could have our breakfast. I had my usual granola, G had his jam on toast. I had a doctors appointment at 09:50 so we were back out the door again before we knew it.

Just as we got in the car, it started snowing really heavy which made me late for the doctors. They were fine about it, everyone was stuck or running late. Grayson was being typical Grayson running around the waiting room, being noisy etc etc, then the nurse called me in. Grayson went walking into her room telling her that it was snowing. Now this was only for my three month pill check. I sat down and she had asked me if I was having any problems on the pill, if I was feeling ok and so on. While trying to keep Grayson occupied and talk to her, I was getting myself a little bit worked up. She then proceeded to take my blood pressure, fine, not a problem. Then she said “Ok, now I need you to step on the scales” for once, I was feeling smug – really smug as I have been dieting and trying to watch what I eat. On I step, cocky as you like. As I stepped on I said “they should show a loss, I’ve been dieting” she then looked at the scales and looked at me and said “oh, you’ve put on 1 kg” I think my face said it all. I was like what the actual fuck. So not only as that made me feel really shit about myself, she then proceeded to tell me that now my BMI is 30.8 and if it goes any higher I will have to go on the mini pill, not the combined as I am now classed as overweight. I’m a size 12-14, a little bit flabby in places yea, but I wouldn’t say I was over weight!? So yea, that was a bit of a blow. She then saw how disheartened I was and mentioned I was probably carrying a bit of water retention because of my monthlies. Thank you love, that’s made me feel better – NOT.

I came home, I was pissed off. My friend then called me and asked if I wanted to meet her and walk the dog. Wonderful, it had stopped snowing, G was knackered so he would of crashed in the pram and it gets the dog out for half hour. Go to the car, get the pram, put Grayson in all wrapped up and snuggly (I was so jealous). I then went to get the dog ready, put his harness on while he was jumping around like a lunatic, went to the cupboard to get a lead – no lead. Where the bloody hell was that!? I searched everywhere, I was shouting around the house to whoever was listening, I had pulled all the house out, I had trodden snow all through my clean floors because my Hunter Wellies are such a pain to get on and off. I then started angry texting Dan, poor sod is at work and I am going off at him because he was the last person to use the lead. By this point I am fuming, I am sweating and all the time G is sitting in his pram, outside the front door with his rain cover over him wondering what the fuck was going on!!!

After 15 minutes and failing to find the poxy lead, I decided to go for a belt. One of Dan’s belts. Finally, we are good to go. The snow is now coming down really bad again, Grayson is shielded from it all but still whinging, dog is loving it and then my phone rings. It was my friend. I was thinking she’s obviously wondering what is taking me so long. Nope, she was calling to say that she was heading home as the snow was getting really bad and her little girl was cold and wanted to go home. So around we turned, dog was now fuming, Grayson didn’t give a damn about what was going on and I was stressing about how long it was going to take to get my boots off!!

Ok fine, I put Grayson a bed because he was tired and tbh, I needed a coffee or something. I was debating doing a couple shots of Vodka, but it was only 12pm. I was a hungry by this point, and the mood I was in I wanted to demolish everything bad in the house, but I didn’t, I decided to cook an omelette. I can cook, quite well actually but one thing I don’t seem to get the hang of is omelette. So I beated some eggs (good for the bingo wings!) and went from there. Disaster. Oh my god, the state of it. It was an embarrassment. Threw the poxy thing straight in the bin and settled for boiled eggs on toast, I can manage that (still need to use an egg timer though)

Anyway, we made it, the kids are asleep. They had a lovely little bath and we used my Little Aurelia products (amazing btw! helps with sleep). They had a play in the snow and made some snowballs. I texted Dan on the way home and asked for emergency wine. I haven’t been drinking seeing as I’m trying to diet, but tonight I thought sod it. I need a glass. It’s going down too well though!

Tomorrow we have dentist with Kellan, two fillings. Poor kid obviously takes after his mama with his teeth. They don’t have juice, hardly have sweets yet the kid has two holes in his tooth. It’s going to be an emotional, stressful day.

I am now going to snuggle up on this cold evening and pray there is some more snow heading our way. Then I’m going to finish my wine while watching Grace and Frankie on Netflix – If you haven’t watched it then do, it’s hilarious.

 

Mummy misses you..

Half term is over. I’m gutted. I love having my boys at home with me, obviously I have my moments with them. Who don’t?

Just sitting down now watching Celebs Go Dating and having a bit of chill time before bed.

I had a few things planned but unfortunately me being struck with flu ruined that for us. Just as I was coming down with it, Kellan was up in agony screaming with ear ache. Finally got him to the doctors and another dose of antibiotics. After a few days he was back to himself, but unfortunately mummy wasn’t.

We had a kid free night on Saturday, so we had a well needed rest and a nice little snooze on Sunday. Mum told me she was going to take the kids London with her and Dad on Sunday, they were gone all day. It felt really weird, the first couple of hours was lovely, we got up, had breakfast, took the dog for the walk and then we got home and was like, erm what do we do now.

Before having kids we would of filled our days doing nothing, but now we feel lost. I couldn’t wait to get them back. By the time they got home, I bathed them at my mums and then put them in the car. Literally, within 5 minutes they were both asleep.

Woke up this morning, then the usual school rush kicked in, where I was getting myself in a state trying to get them out the door at 8am. They then went into school, I came home to do my housework and I just sat there and thought “ahh, I miss my little mates”. I hadn’t spent no time with them this weekend, I’m always with them. They hardly have sleepovers anymore now my mum flits from Spain and UK, so we’ve had a few attempts in the past couple of months where Kellan has wanted to come home. So, not going to lie we did think that the kids would be back home by 11pm, but they surprised us and stayed all night and slept from 8-6:30. Lucky mum and dad.

I’m not one of these mums that love it when their kids are away for the night, don’t get me wrong, I like getting into my bed knowing that I’m not going to be awoken at 5am, but I do miss the little footsteps coming down the hallway and sneaking into our bed for a cheeky snuggle at 1am. The shouting out for mummy from Grayson at his baby gate first thing in the morning. The teddy tired eyes and bed head, and then, their smell. I woke up Sunday and me and Dan both agreed the house just didn’t feel like home without them. It was empty. Lonely.

Our house is a hectic mess 99.9% of the time, I stress and faff when the kids don’t listen to me, I do sometimes become shouty mum, because some days I just can’t quite keep myself together (I am human after all),the kids fight and argue and decide they both want to play with the same toys. But then, we also have love and cuddles and sloppy kisses, playtime and fun, giggles and calmness. My home is my favourite place because of these moments.

I love having my boys with me, I miss them as soon as they leave. I even miss them when I’m on a night out and I know they are at home with Dan, I can’t wait to get back to them.  I am taking a new approach and trying to take everyday as it comes and to appreciate them and the little things that happen, because this time really does go too quick. I just don’t want to look back and think “what the fuck was you doing?”. I don’t want to miss out on anything to do with our princes.

Now, I’m off to tuck them in for the night and give them their little kisses on their foreheads and wish them sweet dreams and a good night.

They are my everything, even when they make me turn into shouty mum.

 

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Tea & Toast..

Why oh why does Tea and Toast make us feel so much better? Is it just a british thing? What’s the first thing they give you after giving birth? Tea and bloody toast! and, lets be honest, it’s the bloody best tea and toast you have ever eaten!

I have just had some, after three exhausting nights with Kellan it was needed, except I switched the tea for coffee as I just didn’t think tea was going to cut it this morning. Dan has set me strict dieting and exercising tips as I need to motivation, obviously the thought of having to get into my wedding dress isn’t enough for me.. (that wasn’t being sarcastic, that is a true fact!)  He said no sugar and milk in your tea or coffee, well sorry Daniel, but I have a wonderful milky coffee with a massive teaspoon worth of sugar. Mama needs it.

First off, we are super proud of our Grayson. He is absolutely smashing his potty training. A couple of weeks back you will remember me saying he decided to go on the loo before the bath all by himself. I didn’t push him after this as I learned this was not the way to do it when I was going through this with Kellan. A few days after this, he stripped off naked and went on his potty, we are now two weeks in and the kid hasn’t looked back. We had a few accidents while he was at pre-school, but apart from that the kid goes on the potty/toilet whenever he needs to. He even poo’s fine!! Even his pre-school teachers are amazed at how well and quick he has picked this up. His not had an accident in a week, a week after deciding to go on the potty! I am just so so proud of him, he really is growing up. It’s annoying as two days before he decided to venture to the potty I bought a bulk of nappies for £10. These nappies haven’t even been used. Typical! His even dry at night.. he wakes up first thing and asks to go a wee. Grayson really is smashing it, I am just so, so proud.

& bless him in his little pants, his so little it just looks super cute.

Now, this is where I need help. My darling 4.5 year old has decided that sleep is overrated, obviously. (don’t worry I am remembering all of this, so when he comes home drunk at 18, I will be climbing into his bed and waking him up throughout the night and finally, at 5am).

He has always been the worst sleeper out of my two. He didn’t sleep through until he was about 20-21 months when his little brother come along. He finds it hard to settle, he fidgets, he has bad dreams, and recently, we think his having night terrors. Now we try our hardest to let him have his calm time before bed, and strictly no tablets or TV programmes or films that will trigger his over sensitive and imaginative mind. He wakes up screaming and crying and we just can’t seem to bring him out of this state. Once his calmed down he falls back to sleep peacefully and forgets what has happened. The past two nights he hasn’t had night terrors, he has just been up, every. single. hour. He comes walking down the hallway, wide awake and getting into our bed. Mombie gets up and puts him back and tells him he has to stay in his own bed, we then have tears. This has been repeated about 20 times in the last two days, and to be honest, I am fucking exhausted.

He has a very over active mind, and once over stimulated we seem to struggle to get him settled.

I just need some advise, as I can’t have another night of bad sleep. I still have two school runs before half term (It can’t come soon enough) – so please, mums, dad’s – hit me with your suggestions.

oh, and also – Kellan has his first dentist work tonight as he has a hole in his tooth. This is the kid who hardly has sweets, he doesn’t have juice (unless it’s a treat) and only has water. So please, keep me in your thoughts while the dentist is trying to put all sorts of metal objects in his mouth.

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Photo Credit: Google, Etsy. 

Realisation

I have been staring at this blank page for days, not having a clue what to write about. My mind is blank, I can’t think of anything to write.

After sitting here, racking my brain, I decided to do what I do best.

Just write.

Write about what comes into my mind: let’s see what happens.



 

As you all know, I have two boys. Perfect, loving, sometimes grumpy boys. They are my everything. I love them in ways I didn’t even know was possible. Now, I’m not going to lie, I was 99% sure that Grayson was a girl. I was team yellow with both of mine, loved the surprise. I was not ready for the surprise of being told that Grayson was a boy after he was born, another little boy.

After a few days (maybe weeks..) it hit me, that I would never have a little girl. The mums best friend, mother of the bride, getting them ready for prom, disney films, mum and daughter days. It hit me hard. We always said two children (even though recently we have discussed a third – still weighing up pros and cons, and at the moment I have more cons then pros!)

So with that thought in mind, I started thinking that one day they won’t need their mum anymore. They need me now, they need me to kiss their booboo’s, they need me to wipe away their tears, they need me to tuck them in at night, they need me to dress them, feed them, look after them and to tell them how proud I am of them and how loved they are, forever and always, to infinity and beyond and of course, to the moon and back. I take care of them now, they need me. No one else.

I teach them to be compassionate, loving, friendly and courteous. I teach them to run with their imagination, follow their dreams and never give up. I cherish their cuddles and kisses and little snuggles of a morning, because one day, their girlfriend will replace me in my role. The kisses will stop, so will the cuddles and the excitement to tell me what has happened in my day. Instead of telling me, they will be telling their girlfriend.

Again, that’s when it hit me. My partner see’s his mum once a week, I don’t want to become that mum sitting there looking out the window or waiting by the phone so I can hear their voices when they have a spare minute in their busy schedule.

The following quote goes through my head, every. single. day.

“A son is a son ’til he gets a wife, but a daughter is a daughter all her life. ”

I sit there and wonder if they would treat their girlfriends with the love and respect they give me? Will their girlfriends love them as much as I do?

I don’t want to be the mum who see’s their son once a week, or once every two weeks. I want them to come home, to be able to bring their girlfriends home and feel comfortable with me. I want them to still be able to give me a kiss on my cheek and call me with their news, I’m scared to lose them to their future partners, because lets face it, it will happen.

I don’t want to be a monster in law, even though I probably will be – no one will ever be good enough for my sons, will they? It will be a bitter sweet moment, one I think about a hell of a lot.

It broke my heart when my eldest started school, even then I could feel him slipping through my fingers. The reality is, one day, I am going to have to let go. It’s life.

Until then, I will love them boys fiercely and teach them as well as I can to be the best they can and enjoy every single mummy moment. The sloppy kisses, the warm snuggles and the sneaking into our bed of an evening.

& even though we never had a girl, we still get to watch disney films, I will be mother of the groom, I will get my son’s ready for prom, have our mum and son days, and I will always be their best friends (whether they want me to be or not) it’s just the expectation and society that makes you feel like you can only do these things with daughters. When in reality, we can do all of that and more.

Amazing How A Woman Should Treat Her Man Quotes treat women quotes quotesgram

I would like to hear your comments on how you feel about this? do you have only boys? how did you find letting go?

 

Breastfeeding: Expectation VS Reality

I’m just waiting for my jacket potato to cook, house is cleaned, both kids are at school. In the moment of silence I have decided to write about something that is always a hot topic in the parenting world. Breastfeeding.

Before I fell pregnant, I was 100% certain that I was going to breastfeed my child. Why wouldn’t I? After all, breast is best was a phrase I always heard.

In my antenatal classes running up to giving birth to Kellan, we attended a breast feeding class. While pregnant. With no baby. The lady was going through all these pro’s of breast feeding like how it benefits the baby, you’ll lose your baby weight and also, having sex and not falling pregnant. This was definitely looking like the right path for me. No sterilising bottles, no having to walk downstairs at 3am in the morning to make up a bottle, no colic, no wind, no reflux. Why wouldn’t anyone want to breastfeed. The snuggling in bed while they are latched on, the ever lasting bond between you and baby while you carry out the most natural thing in the world.

Fast forward to Kellan being born, not only am I now feeling like a failure because I couldn’t give birth to him as my body wouldn’t dilate past 5cm’s and even on the drip I struggled, I was then faced with our first breast feeding experience. I held my chunky 9lb baby up to me, and done everything the midwifes had showed me. Dan was sitting by my side anxiously watching me. I always remember him saying “don’t stress about it, just try, if we don’t breastfeed him there is always formula” – but in my head I’m thinking, No, I am going to breastfeed this child as that’s what he needs, it’s the best start in life for him.

After him trying to latch on and us failing miserably, I called the midwifes in. There I am, post c-section, a screaming child head butting me to find my boob and a midwifes cold hands clasped around my boob, squeezing it into the baby’s mouth. What didn’t help is that I have inverted nipples, I don’t have big boobs, they’re manageable I thought.

After what felt like hours, trying to get him to latch, he would latch for a few minutes, come off my boob and scream the house down. I still wasn’t going to give up.

Three days later, a baby that wasn’t happy, a new mummy who was exhausted and feeling like I was failing, I called the midwifes over. I wanted to go home, I wanted my baby to breastfeed, I wanted this bond that I had heard so much about. She told me that I couldn’t leave until I could competently feed my baby via breast. If I wasn’t going to, then I needed to be shown to be feeding him a bottle so they could see that I could feed him.

What a blow.

I wasn’t being lazy, I wasn’t not attempting to give the baby the best start in life, I was failing. I was failing once again at something that should come so naturally.

I just physically couldn’t do it, I had to feed my baby, so I gave in and gave him his bottle.

What gets to me, is when I see people thinking that people who don’t breast feed are lazy. Most of us don’t choose to not breast feed, there are a few of us, but it’s our decision as humans, but most of us can’t. Some of us don’t produce enough milk, but we manage to feed our babies by bottles – we all have one job, to look after and feed our babies in any way we can.

Stop judging and stereotyping breastfeeding/non-breastfeeding mums. We are all doing the best we can. We need to support each other.