Half Term Feels..

Can’t believe my little monkeys are back at school next week – once again half term has gone too quick.

They have drove me mad, as they do, but I do love having them home and not having to do the horrid school run!

One of my lovely friends gave birth yesterday to baby number two, it made me flash back to when Grayson joined our family. I remember not knowing how to feel, i felt guilt, emotion, love and I was overwhelmed. Kellan had stayed with my mum and dad the night before, I was up at 5:30 and at the hospital for 7:30am ready to wait for my time to go down for my second section. I was told at 8am that we were going down at 9am.

My mum and dad had jumped on a bus to go into chelmsford town to wait for the news whether we had another boy or a little girl, they were then going to buy some clothes with Kellan.  After being sick most of the morning, early afternoon after having Grayson my mum and dad arrived at 1pm with Kellan. Not going to lie, I was so nervous. Kellan knew there was a baby in my tummy, but didn’t quite understand. He was only 20 months.

I sat in bed, with Grayson in my arms, i debated leaving him in his little bedside crib but thought it was a better option to be holding him. Kellan came in with mum and dad and instantly pulled away from me, he wasn’t interested in me and definitely wasn’t interested in his new baby brother. I felt my heart break inside, i just wanted to scoop Kellan up and hold him tight. My dad took Grayson while mum still held onto Kellan, he then off of his own back went in for a kiss, it was the most quickest little kiss ever. After about half hour mum and dad took him home while i spent quiet time with Grayson. We had to stay in hospital for a night because of the section.

When I was allowed home, I was so excited as i had missed Kellan so much. I thought when I got home he would of came up and cuddled me, no, how wrong was I.

It honestly took about a week for him to come over to me, he just ignored Grayson completely, that lasted for about 3-4 days. I remember it being such a hard time for us all, adjusting from a family of three to four, and not forgetting how young Kellan still was.

Now looking at them, they are the best of friends. Still fight for mummy’s attention, but understand that they have to share mummy.

That all feels like such a long time ago, it just fly’s. Really do enjoy every minute.

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Hope you are all ok, Love A xx

Sunday Feels..

Good Evening My Lovelies,

How did your little cherubs cope with clocks going forward? Our two were up at 6:30 (5:30 in pre-going forward time) which was nice… Not. Not going to lie, think we both thought they may of slept a bit better seeing as they were on the go yesterday from the moment they woke up till the time they went to bed.

So, myself and Dan have now got healthcare insurance with Vitality, we were umming and ahhing for a bit about it, but like anything, the salesman sold it to us. Now, as a bonus for getting off my arse and exercising, I earn reward points for me, Kellan and Grayson (Dan is on his own for some reason), anyway so I do around 8,000-11,000 steps a day anyway so it’s nice that I now get rewards for it! One of the rewards are free cinema tickets, so on Saturday I used our reward codes and bought three tickets, and one for Dan. The sweets we bought for the cinema cost us more than the cinema trip. Mental, but so worth it. We took the boys to see Peter Rabbit, Kellan is really into it at the moment. Now, Kellan has been to the cinema before, Grayson hasn’t – wasn’t quite sure what to expect with G If i’m being honest. We sat in our seats, and the adverts had started rolling. Dan went to get the treats when all of a sudden Grayson started sobbing and telling me he wanted to go home. After calming him down and snuggling with him he was ok, still not sure, but ok. I think it was the loudness that upset him.

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Apart from that, it was a good trip. The film was really good as well, I will be honest, there were a couple of scenes that I thought were a bit much for a kids film, but then again, it’s life, unfortunately, it happens. Me and Dan did give each other the look a few times, especially when they mentioned rabbit pie.

From there the kids were dropped off to our friends who had offered to look after them (life savers, really don’t know what I would do without them) while we went out for my mum’s birthday. She wanted to do something different so we went to a place called Clue HQ in Brentwood for an escape room. To be honest I was a little dubious about it, not quite sure what to expect but it was a lot of fun and a good laugh. Lots of clues and problem solving, we struggled at times but got there in the end. We had 2 minutes remaining when we finally got out! If you can go, then do, it’s great team building and also just a great few hours out, it really was fun. I don’t want to say too much and spoil it!! After escaping and having a quick photo, we then went Zizzi’s for dinner.

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Today we had a well needed chill day, kids have played, had their tablets, watched films. Dan has been working most of the day, I sorted the toy room and worked through the washing. I was meant to be going for afternoon tea with my neice but I haven’t been very well and was worried about sitting on a train for two hours, really gutted about that as it is a fab afternoon tea, it was beauty and the beast themed at Kensington Hotel (will have to make it up to her)

Kids were very hyped before bed so decided to give them a nice calm bath with some added Lavender Oil from Little Aureila (if your kids have sensitive skin or trouble sleeping, go over and have a look, their stuff is amazing. & no, this is not an ad, just supporting a small business), just as I was about to get them out the bath, Grayson stood up and quite cheerily declared he had pooed in the bath. Kellan’s face was a picture, I have never seen that boy jump out of the bath as quick as he did tonight. Honestly. Shit sorted, bath disinfected and Daddy Dan on PJ duty we were good to go. I didn’t think they were going to give in and settle as they were giggling and talking about the poo (as they do) but they are snoring away and have been since 7:30. Bonus.

I hope you are all ok, and are enjoying the last of the weekend. I’m now on countdown mode, four more days and the kids break up for two weeks. Woohoo.

 

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2190 Days Ago..

Typical Sunday in out house, chilling, kids running riot. Our house is freezing, even thought it’s a new build, there is always drafts coming from somewhere – joys of buying David Wilson I suppose.

The boys were playing hide and seek and running around giggling with each other, it really is the best sound. While I was sitting there I got thinking about how different our lives would have been if our first pregnancy lasted. Would me and Dan have still been together? Would we be where we are now? The reason this thought has come into my head today, is because six years ago today I was sitting in the Gynaecologist department waiting for my treatment to remove our baby that we lost at 12 weeks. I remember sitting there thinking ‘what if they have got it wrong?’ ‘what if our baby now had a heartbeat’ ‘are they going to re-scan me?’. I was sitting there among other pregnant woman, woman that had lost a lot later on than me, woman who had decided that their pregnancy wasn’t right for them at the minute, it really was a horrible atmosphere, grief, nerves and the unknown all rolled into one.

It was hard when all the nurses were laughing and joking about what they had been up to and what had been happening in their lives, but to us mums sitting there waiting to see what was happening, we just wanted quiet, quiet to come to terms with what was about to happen.  There was two girls in there, only young and they were both in beds behind the reception desk, I still remember it like it was yesterday. One of the girls said “oh fancy seeing you here again” as if it was a jolly place to meet. Dan heard it as well and squeezed my hand. We didn’t plan for the baby, we wasn’t ready for this baby but it had happened to us for a reason, and we were really excited.

We had our scan confirming that indeed, there was no heartbeat and the baby had shrunk in size from 12 weeks, to 9. The procedure wasn’t nice, after a couple of hours I was sent home with a bag of painkillers, then to let nature take it’s course, we had to make sure we knew when we had passed it, but I couldn’t look. So my mum came to the toilet with me and checked every time, and when it did happen she gave me the nod and a kiss. It’s hard to think that six years has passed so quickly, that now we have two beautiful boys, but we always do wonder who our first baby would of been. I still remember the names we chose, Ollie James if he was a boy, Isabella Rose if she was a girl, yet when we did have our babies, neither of them names were an option.

After we got the all clear after 8 weeks and 2 procedures later, we were told it was a green light to try again. It’s like I was trying to replace what we had lost, but we wasn’t falling. Dan sat me down and told me it wasn’t going to happen because of the pressure I was putting on my self. To be honest, I was pining for our baby. We decided to put baby making on hold, and to try and just enjoy us time. By November, we was pregnant with Kellan, he just happened. Whoever was watching us decided that it was the right time for me to fall, and I was an anxious mess right through to the day he was born.

We didn’t know we had lost our first baby until our 12 week scan, no warning, no signs, nothing.

Kellan and Grayson will never replace what we lost, but made us appreciate life’s choices for us. Our first baby wasn’t ready yet, neither were we, but one thing for sure is, they made us know what we really wanted.

2190 days ago, yet it doesn’t seem that long. Always in our hearts little one.

IDGAF

I’m having a I Don’t Give A Fuck Day today.

I’ve had a stressful morning, Grayson woke at 5:30, why he decides this is an acceptable wake up time at the moment, it’s doing my head in. It’s not even the fact his waking me up as Dan’s alarm goes off about 35 times before 5:30 anyway so I’m up, it’s just how miserable he is by 9am!!

Kellan stayed at my mums last night out of the blue, she was going to drop him home but he decided to get in his bed round there and go to sleep, and he slept all night. Not getting out of bed once to venture into their bed, like he does with us, every. single. night.

So I had to get Grayson dressed at 6:30 to be out the door and on my way to my mums for 7. She lives about 20 minutes away, so not too bad but I didn’t know what the traffic was like.

Got to my mums, got Kellan dressed and was out the door at 8:10, then I hit traffic. I was so stressed out, but you know what, it’s fine, they both got to school on time. I was a mess and sweating, but they were in.

Then off to the car garage to swap cars over as mine is being fixed, again! Then to pick my prescription up that I’ve been waiting for since Friday – but anyway, its a beautiful day outside, and to be honest, that always makes everyone feel better.

I come home and started doing my housework, then I just thought – fuck it.

I am going to do what I want to do today (that would be a spa day and a liquid lunch, but let’s face it, I couldn’t do that!) so I decided to blog, then I’m going to take the dog out then when I come home, I am going to chill. Watch what I want on TV, not worry about the house that my two will destroy as soon as they get in, I’m just going to take some ME time. Lets face it, we all need me time. Being a mum is exhausting, testing, amazing, hard and rewarding at the same time, but you don’t realise how hard it actually is until your doing it!

So yes, I am going to be selfish and not give a fuck about my house, just enjoy this moment, because I do feel guilty when I don’t do the house, the washing, the errands seeing as I’m a stay at home mum and that’s my “job”, but I deserve a little break too.

I know some people think Stay at Home mums do nothing all day, but honestly, you couldn’t be more wrong. I done over 10,000 steps on Monday, I done the school run, done my food shop then come home to clean. From the moment the kids get in a hardly sit down as there is so much to start doing again. I’m not starting a debate on working mums/SAHM so please don’t think I am. I am just talking about how I feel as a stay at home mum. Some days I just need a day off, a little breather, nothing wrong with that.

 

Anxiety has hit me hard today..

Hey !

Sorry for lack of blogs, but what with flu, snow days and now getting back into my school routine, I haven’t had much time. Hope you wonderful lot are all ok :).

We had book day today at school, for some reason our school had a different date to the rest, Kellan went as Captain America and Grayson went as Iron Man. They looked super cute and had a fun day.

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I’m very anxious, I have been all day. My first born, my baby boy, is going on his first school trip tomorrow. I’ve just packed his little rucksack and gone through his checklist. His gone to bed so excited, me on the other hand, well quite frankly, I’m a mess.

The thought of dropping him off tomorrow and then letting him go on a coach to his little day out is terrifying me. Remember my blog about letting go? well this is another moment where he is slipping that little bit further out of my fingers. Oh my god seriously I think I’m going to cry.

I know he is going to have fun, his going to be with all his friends and he is so excited. I’ve just got to try, try and remember that everything will be ok. I wish I volunteered now, maybe I will do that for the next trip.

Not going to lie, I have actually thought about following them up there in my car and watching from a distance.

Please tell me it gets easier? I don’t want to be like this every time he leaves to go on a trip. Maybe it will get easier as he gets older, but I’m struggling with it at the moment, maybe because he is my first. I’ve never had to do this before, it’s all new to me.

Dan is upstairs reading them the Gruffalo Child, I’ve just cooked our dinner so now I am going to try and chill this evening, it will all be Ok.

 

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any comments are welcome xx