Fear..

Today I’m tired. Really bloody tired. I didn’t sleep very well last night, used to having Dan in the bed with me. I couldn’t settle, Kellan woke a few times crying. It was just a crappy night. At one point i text my neighbour telling her that if she hadn’t heard from me by 9am then she was to let herself in.. I was just laying there thinking what if something happens to me during the night, my kids won’t be able to fend for themselves, no one will be able to get in because the doors are locked, Grayson wouldn’t be able to get out of his stair gate.. the list went on and on. I was being a bit of a drama queen, but its a thought that goes through my head quite a lot. That fear. Good news, i did wake up. obviously.

IMG_4109

Fear is a horrible thing, i had fears before children where now the fears are awful. I worry about everything. We went to Maldon Promenade Park today with my brother Reiss and his partner Billie. It was lovely, but i was constantly looking out for the kids. We were sitting on the floor in the picnic area, kids were playing on the big pirate ship. I was constantly looking for them, it would be so easy, for one second to take your eyes off them and them be gone. The thought sends shivers down my spine. It makes me feel physically sick. I dressed my kids in the brightest tops, knowing that i would be able to spot them. I also, always take photos of them in the morning before we go out. I always think, if the worse was to happen and you needed to get their photo out there, you have a photo of them in their outfits on the actual day. Horrible thought, but i do it for my own sanity.

It’s been a lovely but long day. I just wanted to get home in the end, i was tired. We done crabbing with the kids, Grayson and Kellan weren’t keen on the crabs, but we enjoyed ourselves! My niece wanted to stay over, which was lovely as i thought if something were to happen during night she knows how to use a phone ! Then my younger niece wanted to come over. They play so well but my god they were so hyped. I went to the fridge a few times to get my wine out but thought it was a bad idea. I got them washed and in their Pj’s and put Cars on. I ordered them a dominos. Kellan loves a pizza in a box. They were quiet for 10 minutes, it was lovely.

My kids are finally a bed, nieces have gone home. I’m now sitting here with an ice cold glass of Organic Wine (no hangover, true story) watching Love Island, again. I am so behind on it, Jess and Mike have just been kicked out the villa! Travis is destroying everything with his poxy cone, but at the moment his doing a good job of destroying his poor bear all round my living room. Bloody stuffing everywhere, sod it. It can wait till the morning.

Dan’s home tomorrow evening, i can’t wait. Ive missed him. His having such a good time though, he doesn’t see his friends a lot so it’s nice that his got to spend a whole weekend with them.

IMG_4131 with auntie Billie IMG_4128-2IMG_4143IMG_4159

Night X

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